Living in a Disabled World

You know the saying when one door closes another door opens, the door is still ajar at the moment. I am amazingly calm, is that normal or have I lost it now as well? It’s hard to know what you are meant to do at a time like this, so I am just doing what I think is best for me whether right or wrong I don’t know. I have asked my gp to sign me off for 2 weeks I might not have even miscarried by then but at least I don’t have to think about work at all in that time. I will pop into work to take my sick note and then leave it until I am strong enough. With my other miscarriages I have always rushed back to work to try and get back to “normal”. I feel this time I need to be at home and be ready to face the world before returning. It’s safe here with K and O.

K made me laugh today, I wanted to nip to Sainsbury to get some sanitary products for the inevitable, he didn’t want to come which was fine and O wanted to stay at home and do cutting and sticking. K asked me how long I would be and I said I don’t know maybe an hour, I might even pop somewhere else if I feel like it. He said “I don’t want you going off somewhere where I don’t know where you are in case something happens”. Not sure what he thinks will happen that I would be stood in Sainsbury and suddenly double over in pain like they do on the movies. I think it will take a while yet. I have no bleeding or spotting and Rosie only passed away in the last few days it is going to take a few weeks I think. It’s strangely calming though knowing she is still with me and not gone yet until I am more prepared. The midwife seemed quite surprised I had no bleeding as there was some blood around the sack as well which she called an “incedental finding”. It might explain some of the prickling type pains I have had on and off.

I still have quite sore boobs and still feel a bit queasy on and off trying to ignore the symptoms as I am tired as well, I know they are real symptoms as the placenta is still working at the moment but they aren’t real symptoms either as Rosie isn’t there anymore.

I have decided it is time to move on though. It feels right to close this chapter now on my life on all our lives. I can’t do this again, there are no guarentees next time it might work or next time it might not but the price is too high to pay. I know after Fin I felt at first I didn’t want to try again but I still had a spark of hope and though given the odds it just couldn’t happen again. I was wrong.

My heart is sad and will be for a long time but I can’t take anymore layers of sadness and with the deat of each baby there is a layer of sadness added. O’s twin, the triplets, Jamie, Fin and now Rosie all in my heart all wanted very much and all gone. Sometimes in life things aren’t fair and that is just the way it is, you can’t change it, you can’t fight it all you can do is survive it. There are worse things happening to other people, I am safe, I have 3 children and I am loved, that is what is important.