I have been staring at the picture of my new neice on Facebook. Marvelling at how perfect she is how she managed to be here. How is it that some people can do it and others not. I don’t mean in a jealous way as I am not jealous but in a just how does it happen way and how can it go wrong way. What is it about me that just doesn’t seem to be able to make a healthy baby anymore. I guess I probably know the answer to that. K and I are that bit older and just that little bit probably makes a difference. Maybe due to my ulcerative colitis and the medicines I have had to take at one time or another it has damaged my eggs in some way. There doesn’t seem to be anyone else in my family that has exactly the same problem. As my mother often reminds me “we don’t have anything like that in our family”.
I am still waiting at the moment. Have had some brown spotting on and off so it can’t be that far away now. Probably in the next week or so. It’s making me very restless. As much as I didn’t want to lose my baby again I just want this all over now so I can move on and look at new things in my life. Stop dwelling on this phase of my life.
We saw a house yesterday we really liked. I know K has his heart set on it. I really like it too and could see us living there and the things we could do. It would change our standard of life for the better. It would be so nice for O to grow up there. I could have my much wanted vegtable patch. I know moving house would be hard work but once it was done that would be it we could settle down as the people have no intention of selling the property so we would be there as long as we wanted to be. The house comes with some quirky conditions which I quite like the thought of. There is a small jack russell type dog that lives in a kennel in the garden and they have asked if we would feed it. The old gentleman that lived in the house wants to be able to go down to his orchard and do bits and pieces but that sounds quite nice to have someone pop in from time to time. It would be quite a responsibility looking after the house the owners obviously grew up in but would be so nice for us to do. As much as I like it and would love to live there I also can’t hope too much because if we don’t get it, then it will feel like another blow and I am not sure I can take anymore at the moment.
I have my suspicions there is something going on at work I am not being told about. I have emailed my boss today and asked him directly. I don’t know if he will answer but I would prefer to know sooner rather than later even though I am signed off sick. For one I do not want to commit to this lovely home if we should get it if I don’t know if I am going to have a stable job or not.
As they say I guess all these things come out in the wash in the end and no amount of chewing it all over helps. I am pottering around the house doing a few chores that I haven’t done in ages. Cleaned out the cutlery draw and going to go and sort our wardrobe out. I know we are going to move soon even if it’s not to this house we like so may as well make the most of my time at home and start sorting bits and pieces out.
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