Living in a Disabled World

This weekend seems to have been a whirl of emotions.  Not sure if it was hormonal or just one of those weekends.  I have felt totally stressed out about everything.  Keep crying on and off and felt desparetly sad and lonely.

Loneliness has been a really hard thing to deal with throughout all of my miscarriages.  It’s not even neccessarily because I am alone.  There have been lots of people on the net that have offered support and to be there for me.  I have K with me too and although I find it hard to talk to him about things sometimes, he would listen if I told him I needed him to.  The lonliness comes from something else, from an isolation of emotions.  Not many other people that I know have been through loosing so many babies.  Some have lost babies, some have even lost babies at around the same stage Fin was but they aren’t here, aren’t feeling what I am feeling now.  I have even read posts which I totally understand where people just feel they want their dead baby inside them removed quickly.  I felt like that once, now to even have any baby dead or alive is better than nothing.  The pit of isolation is exhausting.

I feel better tonight.  Maybe because I have done so much today so am now ready to go back to work tomorrow.  Cut the grass, cut down the Triffids in the garden, have done all the ironing.  I didn’t get around to baking decided I had enough to do.  Bathed O and put him to bed so now can have a relaxing evening.